Conspiracy theories – DUN DUN DUN!

So after I did the article on the conspiracy theories surrounding Lady Gaga, it occurred to me that it would be amusing to do an article on other conspiracy theories and just how bat-shit insane they are (believe me, they are insane).  Today I’m going to try and cover a broad range of them, and maybe delve into a few more deeply (for our own enjoyment).

Flat Earth

To start off with, lets go with a theory right out of left field, the Flat Earthers. This group is exactly what it sounds like, a bunch of people who have somehow convinced themselves that the earth is flat. For real.

Like this, but less delicious

In researching for this, I’ve read a fair bit of their writing/forum posts/bullshit to try and get my head around why people in this day and age might believe that the earth is flat. Sadly, they don’t seem to make any sense (surprise!) and as such, not being fluent in crazy, I can’t understand what they are saying. From what I can gather, they believe that the earth is flat, and the governments and space agencies of the world are conspiring to cover this up. Why I hear you ask? Well as far as I can make out, Nasa is supposed to fake space missions for a fraction of the cost of a real one, then sits back and snorts Scarface amounts of cocaine of the backs of hookers.

But they say it comes down to the fact they believe the earth is flat, and as Nasa would know better, it must be a cover-up. Not only that, the sun and moon are discs (discs!) that are several hundred or thousand kilometers above the earth, and there is no such thing as gravity. Yes, my friends, these people feel that for no good reason, gravity is a lie. The earth simply moves through space (upwards, I might add) at 9.6m/s creating the “illusion” of gravity. Last of all (and my favorite) there is a giant ice wall around the earth keeping the oceans in. Oh, and the earth might be resting on the back of four elephants, which conversely might be resting on the back of a giant turtle. It just gets crazier doesn’t it?

I couldn't make this up if I wanted to

For “evidence” of this they point to is the UN flag, which shows a flattened view of the world. They also claim that all satellite photos of earth from space have been faked by Nasa. A few of the crazies have done some totally scientific (dubious) tests and that has convinced them that the earth is flat. The fact that “authorities” say it’s round means to them that there is a conspiracy going on. And that’s pretty much all it takes to convince these people. Theres another group of people who think that the earth is hollow and we are on the inside. I’m not even getting into that craziness, it’s all here for you to take a look at. Read more about these crazy people here and here.

Moon landing hoax

Many of you would have heard of this, as there have been a few documentaries and it’s one of those conspiracy theories everyones heard of, so I’ll only mention it briefly. Essentially, the famous 1969 moon landing was faked, humans never went to the moon, and it was all filmed in a Hollywood studio. Supposedly there are a number of clues and anomalies in the pictures and videos taken by the astronauts which cast doubt on the authenticity of the mission. Some of the main points given are shadows that don’t fall in the same direction (more than one light source), crosshairs appear behind objects in the photos, there are no stars in the pictures, the list goes on. Since then, there’s been a lots of debunking of these various claims, and mythbusters even did a special on it (which I happened to see) which pretty clearly cleared up any doubts any rational person could entertain about the mission.


This is a big one, and one that everyone has to have heard of at some point. Theres been countless movies about it and it’s really become very much a part of pop culture. There are loads of theories, all of them crazy, but some crazier than others.

like the idea that beings from another galaxy, perhaps even another universe somehow look extremely similar to us. FUCK YOU probability!

So the core of these theories is that UFOs are coming to us from across the galaxy with beings from another world and that governments across the world are hiding the fact that they are aware of this to prevent a mass panic. Or to fuck with us, take your pick. In many versions, the US government has made contact with aliens and allows the aliens to keep bases here on earth in exchange for advanced technology. There is of course, the famous crash at Roswell where supposedly we recovered a crashed UFO and some alien bodies, as well as some survivors. A lot of theorists claim that technology taken from the crash was harvested out and “seeded” various scientific breakthroughs such as silicon chips, lasers, and other modern technology we take for granted today. Since the crash, the idea of aliens and UFOs has really entered pop culture, with countless films, TV shows, books and music written about the subject. There are some funny sub-theories based on this, my favorite being the one about reptilians.


It goes something like this: world leaders and people in positions of power throughout the globe are actually reptilian aliens (again, somehow these intergalactic travelers beat impossible odds to resemble a much more familiar and earthbound creature familiar to us, but that represent many peoples fears) that are controlling the world, and creating war and strife as they feed on negative energy. What do they do for dinner when the want to eat out? Even the aging Queen of England is supposedly one!

No shit, I kid you not, this is meant to be "proof" that the Queen is a reptile. That dark patch. The one that is clearly a shadow. Are these people fucking morons?

Seriously, check out this page here which has more supposed proof of shapeshifting aliens. I would have thought that the levels of crazy required to buy into this would would cause an error in spacetime, and our universe would abruptly end. Lets just hope that these people never reproduce, at least. The reptillian overlords theory goes right along another separate conspiracy theory which is about the NWO, or New World Order (a theory closely linked to the Illuminati). Basically this one says that secret shadowy people control the world through our political leaders, and that they have a global agenda to brainwash us and control us, although I’m not sure with what, because they’re never really clear on that. It’s always just about someone doing something fishy. Anyway some people think that the New World Order is just shadowy powerful people controlling the world (and will often cite the Jews, Nazis, descendants of a secret society like the Knights Templar or the famous Illuminati, pharmaceutical companies, or weapons manufacturers), but many more believe it to be something more sci fi or occult (reptilian aliens, occult demons, the antichrist, the whore of babylon etc etc).

Hiding in plain sight? Now they're just fucking with you

Another theory, (less of a conspiracy theory, but worth mentioning) is the one about ancient astronauts. Basically, this theory states that either life started on this planet, but at some point during mankind’s evolution, we were interfered with/taught/modified by beings from another planet, OR, life itself was seeded from somewhere else in the universe. The earliest mention of such a theory was in the (absolutely incredible) writings of H.P. Lovecraft in his short story “At the Mountains of Madness”, which hints strongly at such a notion. Other theories developed since then claim all sorts of things, such as the Egyptian pyramids being markers for UFO landing points, Stonehenge being linked to UFOs, many cultures mention “visitors from far away who came and taught” the local population which is surmised are aliens. I must say, of all the crazy theories in this article, this is the one I would like to be true. Imagine if the ancient Egyptians did turn out to have made contact with aliens, and their culture and style were a small glimpse of the adopted culture and style of the aliens. It’d be sooooo cool.

Nazi UFOs

Lastly, we’ll look at the theory about Nazis and their UFOs, and also their occult business. It’s widely acknowledged that Nazis were really advanced in creating superweapons for WWII, such as advanced fighter jets, rockets (which the British and Americans didn’t even begin to have), and they were even close to developing their own atomic weapons (without Einstein’s help I might add). So the basis of this wild theory is rooted in fact. But where it gets a little crazy is that a lot of people claim the Nazis developed a working UFO, possibly many. Ok, I can see that, it’s a bit of a leap and there are some holes in the logic there, but it’s merely an extension of what they were already doing. No, in addition to that, there are people (luckily none of us know these people) who are of the opinion that the Nazis were deeply involved in the occult, summoning demons, crossing dimensions, and other bizarre pseudo scientific/occult type stuff. Supposedly the Nazis discovered an energy source called vril which they used to power their saucers with. Now, if you have a craft that outperforms your enemy, giving you a tactical advantage, with a power source from another world of demons and stuff, wouldn’t you figure out a way to use it to your advantage? Just a small little bit of strategy to tip things in your favor? Hmmm? Well, according to these people, the Nazis, brilliant enough to do all this stuff that we still can’t do today, wern’t smart enough to win the war (or even bloody try) by using the advantage the surely they must have worked so hard for (again, we still don’t even come close to having anything like this today).

But I’ve saved the best til last (as you do).

Wait for it.

Some people think that the Nazis, seeing that they had lost the war (or were on the verge of it), packed up everything in their saucers and flew to the far side of the moon, where they established a base and then a colony, waiting for the day they would come back to complete the establishment of the third reich. This is meant to explain all the UFO sighting since then, it’s the Nazis doing reconnaissance. Of course, how could I miss it! Holy shit what an awesome conspiracy theory!

Seriously though, this is fucking cool.

Well, we’ve come to the end of my little article, I hope all liked it. Please feel free to subscribe to my blog and I’ll try to make sure the posts are as frequent as possible (because no one likes a blog that doesn’t update).


2 Responses to “Conspiracy theories – DUN DUN DUN!”

  1. 1 martin kozbecky 08/01/2011 at 4:14 pm

    u are a fucking idiot, u are one of the idiots that belive everything the goverment and the media tells u.

    • 2 nrk03 10/01/2011 at 3:45 am

      Well assuming i do (and it is an assumption on your part) so what? Who says you’re right not to hey? What proof have you got your views are more correct than mine hmmmmm?

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